I want to protect my children, but time and time again i hear that still small voice that says that they are not your children Sheila.
They are mine.
I love them more than you ever will.
And then i am reminded that God has given us all a story to tell and this is my story.
May He ultimately be glorified.
What have i learned this past month?
I have learned that God always meets us right where we are at. This past Sunday my soul was refreshed when i heard the bible story about Peter getting out of the boat and walking on water. I have heard this story many times but it spoke deep into my heart.
God calls us to crazy things in our lives. I remember vividly God revealing His will for us to adopt Brenda. It made no sense. I agonized over the decision, but we trusted and walked through the doors that God opened.
Then we met her brother. It all seems like a whirlwind now. We knew it wasn't going to be easy. Now we are living the hard two months into him being home.
She is almost 8. He is 12. Trying to attach to a child that naturally is pulling away. 12 year old boys do not talk or snuggle with their moms. Let alone their adoptive moms.
They miss the food, the music, and their culture. They love Uganda and they are quick to call it their home. It will always be a part of who they are.
They remember their past. The good and the not so good.
Most people assume that they should feel privileged because they live with us. But should they? Finding themselves in our loving family can never make the painful truth of their story go away.
I am not sure i will ever understand why God allows children to endure more than most adults ever will in their lifetime. But He does. He is sovereign. He is God and His ways are not my ways.
God is loving, good and perfect even when our earthly eyes fail to see Him in the mess.
Two months home with Joseph and i have learned, God wants us to step out of our comfort zone and it may not be easy.
I am reminded of Peter. Peter was a skilled fisherman who answered the call. When he was in the boat and Jesus called to him he stepped out of the boat.
HE STEPPED OUT OF THE BOAT INTO THE WATER!!!
This is crazy my friends. CRAZY!
And what happened next??? He started to sink.
Like Peter, this month i have felt like i was sinking. Many days i feel the water washing over my head, and i am gasping for air.
Here is the glorious ending to Peter's story of getting out of the boat...
The church is founded on the one who dared to get out of the boat.
Faith means nothing if we never get out of the boat.
Has this month been hard? Yes.
I have to believe that when my earthly love fails and i have no idea how to parent that the love of Jesus fills in the gap.
Adoption was not God's first choice for my children, but he sovereignly placed these 2 kids into my family and I trust that He will give me the wisdom and grace to parent them.
I have to trust that God is in control of every finite detail. The good and the bad. It's all part of my story.
God can use me with all of my flaws in a mighty way when my will is aligned to Him even on the days that i feel like i'm sinking.
When i have no idea how to parent and when i feel helpless even after reading the books and seeing the counselor i have to trust that God is at work and He is writing my story.
If you want to walk on the water, you've got to get out of the boat and keep your eyes on Jesus.
God is executing the most brilliant story ever and this is the story He has chosen for me.
YES, friend, yes......
ReplyDeleteImagine your friend, who you only know in print and heart, reaching out an arm and slipping it around your shoulder.....that's me today. You will stay the course, you are fighting the fight of faith, you cherish the ONE writing the story, and we (I say we, because I know there are many more) stand with you in love and prayer as you go forward.
I appreciate that the Lord urges you to share His story--worked out in your life......I glean from it. I am finding the words for mine, too.
Hold on tight to the hand of Jesus, even as you wonder what in the world you've done to your family and your home. I remember asking our social worker whether we were doing the right thing as we prepared to bring home our 8 year old, and she was warning us about how hard it could be. She said that she has seen that those who are called by God to adopt will make it. Those first months were sooo hard, for him and for us. Five years down the road, I can't imagine life without him. Hold on tight.
ReplyDeleteHi, you tried to offer me beads months ago, and I was apparently too busy to reply.... I am not actually asking for beads, I am hoping to connect with you in some way and chat about your adoptions, which are looking more like the adoptions we are about to embark upon soon. Our kiddos aren't quite as old but they aren't toddlers and I am excited to connect with someone who is in the thick of older child adoption. Anyway, I was super blessed by the last several of your posts I read tonight. Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteWould love to connect with ya. Email me at poulinsj@hotmail.com :)
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