Prayer is ALL i have...

Not a whole lot to report truthfully.  We had our biometrics appt this month.  Now, we wait for the approval.

I would love to go into specifics of our girl, but i can't publicly.  I can say that she now has a "FAMILY FOUND" on top of her picture on the Agency's waiting child's list.  Now it's all in God's timing.

I am feeling a lot of emotions lately.  She is 6-7.  Parenting an older child that has experienced more hurts in her small life than i have in my entire lifetime scares me.  I have prayed.  Micah has prayed.  The kids have prayed.  I KNOW she is our daughter, but I'm still scared.  She's not a baby.  She remembers...

So what am i doing? 

Reading books. 

Reading blogs.  Yeah...they scare me even more at times. 

Facebook groups.  Downright terrifying at times.

PRAYING!!!  Through this short journey, i have experienced the Power of Prayer. 

Sure, i always knew there was power in prayer, but i have FELT it.  For many years my prayer life looked like this. 

BAM.  Life happens.  {{sigh}}  Cry. 

Then i think, all I can do now is "pray" after I have turned to every worldly solution which man has to offer for whatever problem may be facing me.

BUT

These past few months, I have felt the peace that surpasses all understanding cover my fears when i wake up in the middle of the night asking God, "Are you sure??" 

Will it be okay?  I don't know. 

Will i have a rambunctious spitfire join our family and turn our life upside down? 

Perhaps. 

But, what is certain in life?

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! 

We are not promised tomorrow.

But i have more than i need.  I have Jesus.  At the end of this life, i can honestly say, Jesus i listened and by golly, I stepped out in faith.  I TRUST you.  Maybe, it will be a total disaster, but i KNOW when i take my final breath, i will hear Well done, good and faithful servant! And that's enough for me.

But i'm still scared.  :)

Depraved Indifference

God keeps speaking to me over and over again through this video.  Compassion and empathy is religion, but doing something about is "true religion".  

The God who meets us where we are!

This morning i woke up at 6:45--before the bambinos were up. 

I ate my breakfast. 

I had my quiet time. 

I woke the kids up gently and we were dressed and ready to go an hour before we had to leave. 

After all, this is what the experts say to have a successful day.  Right? 

Wrong!! 

Fast forward to 8:50 a.m. The kids were fighting and crying.  I was on the verge of tears asking God, "Why????"  

By this time, I had them buckled in the van and "forgot something" in the house (desperately needing a quiet moment to myself before I lost it with them).  Standing in my laundry room, I verbally cried (bawling my eyes) out to God, "I can't do this today."

Wiping away the tears, off to preschool with my "fake it til i make it" face on. 

The preschool director walks up to my van with the clipboard and casually asks me, "Did you read my facebook post yesterday?"   Trying not to bawl, i shake my head no.  She says, "Look up Galatians 6:9." 

 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

Did God just answer my cry to him (remember laundry room) verbally through another believer??

  Can i get an Amen???

So often, i expect God to speak to me through other methods.  I read God's word.  I have a teachable spirit.  Heck, i even read parenting books, but so often i feel like i am one step behind where i should be.  

This morning, I felt like quitting.  I wanted to throw in the towel of motherhood.  Even though i long to live for Jesus, and to serve Him with everything I have, it just goes the opposite way I had hoped for more often than not.  I was discouraged and I just wished I could run away (without children).  Have you ever been there??

Then, in a random carpool line--living the mundane life--Jesus met me right where i was at.  He spoke Truth into my life through a woman that i barely know.  Jesus loves us enough to meet us where we are, no matter how broken, how worn out, or how unworthy and overwhelmed we may feel.  He is there for us whether we recognize him or not.

Homeschooling is so darn hard!

I have realized something this week.  Just because i want to do something doesn't make it easy.  Even if I'm 100% committed! 

I absolutely love the IDEA of homeschooling--i really do!!  Last April, i had envisioned teaching my daughter, enjoying precious time with her, but let me tell you homeschooling is not for the faint at heart.    I am finally coming to grips with the reality that homeschooling is not what i envisioned.

What was i expecting? 

1.  A child so eager to spend time with her mama. 

2.  A clean house.  After all, we are "home" schooling.  Lots of time at home, right?? 

3.  Lots of time to prepare meals and healthy ones at that.  

4.  Lots of time to grocery shop and run errands.

Reality check!

My house is messy!

My house is noisy.  Really noisy. 

I am eating, sleeping, breathing, all things 5th grade. Seriously, have you seen the show Are you Smarter than a 5th grader? Need i say more???

I must admit, when i was dropping Brayden off for preschool and Kaila off for 2nd grade, i was a bit depressed .   Yes, i am homeschooling just one and sending the others off to school. 

Why was i depressed? I would have had 5 hours three days a week to clean my house, shop, prepare healthy dinners, and spend more time with Jesus.  Instead, I'm crying out to Jesus to just get me through the day.

I know it will get better.  I know I am right where I'm meant to be.  Is it easy?  NO!  Am i cranky?  You betcha! 

Homeschooling takes commitment and until i start loving it-- I'm going to fake it til i make it!  :)

Holy Smokes Batman, We are Homeschooling!

Call me crazy, but there is nothing as refreshing as starting a new week, especially if you did not have a good one last week. I love to crack open a new journal and write on the very first page.  I am in love with new beginnings.

Tomorrow starts a new school year.  It also starts the beginning of our homeschooling journey.  Insert slight scream.  This decision sounded fabulous last April when all 3 kids were in school. 

Why am i homeschooling my oldest? Simply to boost my 10 year olds self esteem and confidence.  Girls' self-esteem peaks when they are about 9 years old, then takes a nosedive.  Let me tell you, this is a brutal age when it comes to how young girls view themselves. 

Am i making the right decision?  Who knows, but at the end of the day at least i can say I'm giving it everything i have.

Now, i am not a Holly Homemaker type.  I often laugh when i think of how God has called me to be a stay at home mama.  I am not a typical Stay at Home Mama.  I own a sewing machine.  However, it's still in a box--At the top of the closet!  Do i like to cook?  Nope, I look at food as fuel.  I cold live on baked chicken and rice.   Boring?? I know. 

But this is me.  I love to run.  I love to work out.  I love to read.  I love learning about human nature.  I absolutely love the beach.  Now my life is consumed with wondering if I'm going to royally screw up my kid.  Just being real here.

There are many days that i dream about going back to work.  But i have these 3 terrific kids and i love them something fierce. Granted, there are more days than i would rather admit that i dream about their bedtime coming early, but they are my world.  So i must put on my big girl panties and figure out my new normal. 

Outrage???

I read this article http://www.lifenews.com/2012/08/14/woman-20-weeks-pregnant-with-twins-has-abortion-last-week/ and i was outraged.  How could a woman this far along kill her babies??  She was halfway there to holding those sweet babies in her arms. I am angry.  I mourn those innocent lives. 

The media makes it sound as if these girls getting abortions have no value for human life.  Yep...pregnant..don't want it...abort it.  So easy, but was that decision really that easy?  We will never know.

I am sure she agonized over that decision for weeks.  After all, she was 20 weeks along.  By that time, she had seen those 2 babies on a screen for her 18 week ultrasound.  She felt those babies moving around in her belly.  She could rest her hand on the top of her belly.  She knew those babies were there. I imagine she walked into that abortion clinic battling a war deep within her soul.  I imagine she is popping pills at night just to keep the nightmares away.   

Why did God allow those babies to be murdered?  This is a question i always come back to when i think of life's hurts, habits and hang ups.  God is not a Father in heaven who is organizing the murder of his children.  God doesn’t do that. That’s not how God works.  God remains good. And God is so good that he rules over evil, and he uses it for good.

My question is what are we going to do about this?  I'm not sure about you, but i am tired of sitting on a pew posting on facebook about what upsets me.  Goodness gracious, we can rattle the whole Christian community and organize them by the masses to show up at Chick fil A.  THIS IS JUST AS IMPORTANT!

I wish i could wrap my arms around this young girl and tell her about Jesus.  Jesus has the power to change her life.  We need to pray and we need to start being some Titus 2 ladies.  Stop with the judgement and pointing fingers.  It's not US against THEM.  We need to come alongside younger women before they are pregnant and love on them. 

I work with youth girls week in and week out and guess what?  We have a whole lot more youth girls than we do helpers!!  And i go to a church that has 900 people.  I KNOW collectively churches are hurting for help in their children's/youth areas, and it's not just my church. 

That 13 year old girl that is sitting by herself, she has a Mom in prison or her Mom is strung out on drugs--She needs US.  But what happens when we are not there?  She falls into the arms of the first boy that whisper he loves her and a few months later she is standing in line at the abortion clinic.

We need to be the hands and feet of Jesus because lets face it, society is failing them.  School is failing them.  Their parents are failing them.  Jesus will NOT fail them.  Standing outside an abortion clinic with a sign does NOTHING people.

God uses the arduous parts of life, the painful, traumatic, straight up messy, grievous parts of your life, to reveal himself face to face.  God is so much bigger than abortion. God is 100% sovereign. He uses evil for good, though he’s not the author of it, he’s the ruler over it. He has a definite plan, he knows the future, and we can trust him.


Collectively we need to pray and get off the pew and do something to save these lives....the spiritual life of the Mom and the physical life of the baby.  Jesus gives life. 

Lets stop being religious, devout, nice, moral, spiritual people.  We need to get messy.  Christ's death was messy.  The gospel is for "messed” up lives, for those experiencing heart-ache, pain and sorrow.  And there is power in it. 

Limitations

God is not limited by our limitations.  Some days i forget that God is God.  He spoke EVERYTHING into existence.  I get so caught up in my busy day that i don't pause to think God doesn't need me.  I desperately need Him.

Insecurities.  Short comings.  Doubt.  Yep...i have them all.  But they are not the Truth in my life.  Why do we have to fall into the comparison trap?  It starts out as admiring someone and then BAM.  Satan starts whispering those lies into your ears. 

Then you fall into that heartbreaking place of insecurity thinking how you should have it all together.  After all, SHE does.  She home schools, cooks, cleans, runs 5 miles, looking all glamorous and oh those kids are so well behaved while you are still in your gym clothes in what feels like World War 3 because your youngest child has the oldest DS game.  {{gasp}} Yes, they are playing video games!

Then I hear God's still small voice whispering i am exactly where i need to be.  Do i have that huge zap of self confidence?  Nope, but i do realize the deeper need for dependence on Him.  That deeper dependence eventually leads to transformation.  Transformation leads to believing God's promises and relying on the power of them.

So on those days when i wonder what on earth God was thinking calling our family to adopt i must shift my focus back onto Him knowing He is the one that will fight against my enemies of inadequacy and insecurity.  He doesn't call the enabled.  He enables the called. 

As for me, i still need to take my shower and get out of my gym clothes--church tonight.  :)

Ugandan Magazine Beads Fundraiser

Thank you friends!!  All Ugandan beads are sold.

HOW FABULOUS ARE THESE UGANDAN BEADS?????

 

These beautiful necklaces are hand-made by Ugandan women to support their families. Each necklace is unique.

 

You can wear them all different ways-- as a long necklace, doubled, tripled, or as a cool chunky bracelet. 

 

#1.  White beads
(sold out)
 

2. 1 Turquoise left

3. black/red/blue beads

(1 black left)

4.  Long multi color beads

5.  1 blue/ 1 white necklaces left

6.  grey beads (one left)

7. blue/purple/white beads

8. Multi colored beads

9. blue/red/yellow beads

We are currently fundraising to bring home our little girl (yes, you read that right) home from Africa.  

The necklaces sell for $10 each.

Please add $3 for shipping.

Please email at poulinsj@hotmail.com with any questions. They are all gone.  Thank you everyone for helping to bring home our little girl!!