Giving Up.

Throw in the towel.  That's what i wanted to do today.  I really think I'm the only homeschooling mama that doesn't enjoy homeschooling.

Sure, i absolutely love hanging out with my daughter all day.  I love shopping with her.  I love talking to her. I love the closeness that i have with her, but the sitting at the table TEACHING her--NOT SO MUCH! 

God's been dealing with my heart on this.  I am committed to this for one year, but i do not feel that i NEED to be a homeschooling Mom to be a "good christian mom".

In fact, i think as women we get caught up in what "the church" thinks we should do versus what God calls us to do.  Satan is alive and well in our churches and he loves to keep us busy doing things we think we should be doing for Jesus.

Sure, God calls some of us to homeschool, but i am a firm believer that it's not a cookie cutter, one size fits all decision.  I know some awesome Christian mamas that send their little ones to school.  School is a fertile mission field.  If we take all of the Christian kids out of the school, who is going to tell the other kids about Jesus?

I CAN trust Jesus with my children in a public school setting.. 

It says in Proverbs 16:9 that We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps.


So what am i going to do? 

Stand still.  Watch God work.  Keep quiet and let Him take over.  I'm going to lay low and listen to God speak to me on what He wants us to do. 

Finding your tribe

This year I'm homeschooling.  Do i love it?  I honestly can't say that i do.  Is it homeschooling that's the issue?  Not really.

So what's my issue?  FINDING MY TRIBE!  Micah and I have lived here in Florida since 2004.  I love Florida.  It's my home.  I grew up around here, but my tribe isn't here, or at least i haven't found them yet.  Finding my tribe has been a life long pursuit.  There was a moment in my life that i had a tribe; when we live in NC.  My heart is still there.  I see glimpses of them on the internet from time to time.  I only wish they all lived in my neighborhood!

Here in Florida, I have a hodge-podge of a tribe. I'm truly thankful for these friends as they get me, but we are all in different seasons in our lives.  I am blessed to have them though.  So blessed!

I woke up this morning realizing I'm lonely, but not alone.  Does that even make sense???  I stumbled into bible study after talking myself out of it all morning, but immediately realized i was right where i was meant to be.  I think God allows seasons of loneliness.  At various times He allows us to have numerous friends and then at times He only provides a few, and at just the right time.

God gives us friends.  He has given me friends that would risk their life to save mine. Or the friend that will pull us out of the pit. One that is more like a sister.  And then there are the friends with a servant's heart, or the constant blessing.

We may be lonely, but God doesn't leave us alone. If we have one loyal friend we are rich.

When God sends us a friend we need to be humble and willing to receive the help that he or she has to offer in the way that God intends. This can be difficult especially if you are like me and  find it hard to accept help.

We feel like we don't deserve it. Our pride gets in the way. We are so intent on being strong and independent that we won't expose our needs. Yep, totally me!

We refuse to open our hearts because of a deep fear that we will end up getting hurt.
Oh my word...sound familiar?

We insist on being a rock. 
S.T.R.O.N.G.

But if we insist on being self-sufficient, we will miss great blessings.  I don't want to miss God's blessings.  I don't want to get caught up in the busyness of life that i miss God--even though I'm doing things for God.  And this my friends is why i feel God is allowing this season of loneliness.

Thanks for listening to my ramblings on what God has revealed to my heart today.

Homeschooling is so darn hard!

I have realized something this week.  Just because i want to do something doesn't make it easy.  Even if I'm 100% committed! 

I absolutely love the IDEA of homeschooling--i really do!!  Last April, i had envisioned teaching my daughter, enjoying precious time with her, but let me tell you homeschooling is not for the faint at heart.    I am finally coming to grips with the reality that homeschooling is not what i envisioned.

What was i expecting? 

1.  A child so eager to spend time with her mama. 

2.  A clean house.  After all, we are "home" schooling.  Lots of time at home, right?? 

3.  Lots of time to prepare meals and healthy ones at that.  

4.  Lots of time to grocery shop and run errands.

Reality check!

My house is messy!

My house is noisy.  Really noisy. 

I am eating, sleeping, breathing, all things 5th grade. Seriously, have you seen the show Are you Smarter than a 5th grader? Need i say more???

I must admit, when i was dropping Brayden off for preschool and Kaila off for 2nd grade, i was a bit depressed .   Yes, i am homeschooling just one and sending the others off to school. 

Why was i depressed? I would have had 5 hours three days a week to clean my house, shop, prepare healthy dinners, and spend more time with Jesus.  Instead, I'm crying out to Jesus to just get me through the day.

I know it will get better.  I know I am right where I'm meant to be.  Is it easy?  NO!  Am i cranky?  You betcha! 

Homeschooling takes commitment and until i start loving it-- I'm going to fake it til i make it!  :)

Holy Smokes Batman, We are Homeschooling!

Call me crazy, but there is nothing as refreshing as starting a new week, especially if you did not have a good one last week. I love to crack open a new journal and write on the very first page.  I am in love with new beginnings.

Tomorrow starts a new school year.  It also starts the beginning of our homeschooling journey.  Insert slight scream.  This decision sounded fabulous last April when all 3 kids were in school. 

Why am i homeschooling my oldest? Simply to boost my 10 year olds self esteem and confidence.  Girls' self-esteem peaks when they are about 9 years old, then takes a nosedive.  Let me tell you, this is a brutal age when it comes to how young girls view themselves. 

Am i making the right decision?  Who knows, but at the end of the day at least i can say I'm giving it everything i have.

Now, i am not a Holly Homemaker type.  I often laugh when i think of how God has called me to be a stay at home mama.  I am not a typical Stay at Home Mama.  I own a sewing machine.  However, it's still in a box--At the top of the closet!  Do i like to cook?  Nope, I look at food as fuel.  I cold live on baked chicken and rice.   Boring?? I know. 

But this is me.  I love to run.  I love to work out.  I love to read.  I love learning about human nature.  I absolutely love the beach.  Now my life is consumed with wondering if I'm going to royally screw up my kid.  Just being real here.

There are many days that i dream about going back to work.  But i have these 3 terrific kids and i love them something fierce. Granted, there are more days than i would rather admit that i dream about their bedtime coming early, but they are my world.  So i must put on my big girl panties and figure out my new normal.