What is wrong with me?

I am drawn to the message of Jesus and have been from a young age.

When i think of Jesus, i think of His love, His generosity, His servant's heart, and His hope.  

I want that in my life. 

I need that.

I am so passionately in love with Jesus that my heart aches over what I'm about to write.

I know that I'm a hot mess and i know that i need Jesus.  I know that i need community. The body of believers.  

But why do i feel like such an outsider?  Why do i feel like i never measure up?  A mere student among the Christian professionals?  

Why do i feel like i need my defenses always up?

Why do we have to pretend like we have it all together?  All the time.

Why do we all have to align ourselves with right wing politics?  

Why do we have to judge one another because of our political views, social media posts, or traditions?  

Why do i feel like i have to walk on eggshells?  Why do i feel that i can't be who i really am?

Why can't i bring my hurts, habits and hang ups to the alter and share them with believers?  

Why????

I know I'm not the only one facing this discontentment.  

I always thought that people who stopped going to church were giving up on God, but now i wonder if they are just giving up on the body of believers.  

Giving up on people just like me.  They were tired of simply wanting to be heard.  

Wanting to say, "I am hurting and I need Jesus."  

But i was too busy to hear.

If you speak out about this, you're accused of bashing the body.  

I am simply saying, the struggle is real.  The flock is leaving.  

Maybe i'm wrong in feeling the way i feel. But i do know, i'm not alone.

Jesus, bring revival and let it start with me. 

Thankfulness

This year marks our first year as a family of 7.  I am blessed beyond measure to mother these 5 gifts of mine.  

I am thankful that my kids haven't realized that i have absolutely no idea what i'm doing.  Parenting is hard!

I am thankful for seasons of loneliness because it is spiritually powerful.  It forces me to push beyond fear as i seek the community that i need.

I am thankful for my husband that is the calm to my chaos.

I am thankful for Netflix which allows me to watch 5 seasons in one month.

I am thankful that my kiddos are self sufficient.  Gone are the days of wiping little butts or buckling car seats.  

I am thankful for prayer.  It has taken me over 25 years to realize that God wants me to talk to him simply about everything.  Nothing elaborate.

I am thankful for Thirst busters.  My most favorite thing ever!!  I will drive 5 miles out of  my way for good Diet Coke.

I am thankful for Super Walmart.  I hate that place, but i have the money to walk in there and buy groceries.  So many people do not have that luxury.  

I am thankful when my children see me in a crowded room, they ALL light up with a smile.  They still want to be around me.  I know this season will end soon.

I am thankful that i get to see the excitement of Christmas on these 2 faces this year.  

1 year with Joseph and what have i learned?

I still can not believe it's been one year that we have been sleeping under the same roof.  One year that we stepped onto that plane boarding Uganda to become a family of 7.

What a year it's been!

I stand in awe of the young man that Joseph is growing into. Watching the bond that Joseph and Brenda have melts my heart.  Hearing Brenda tease her big brother or him telling her stories about Uganda remind me of why we are on this journey.

As difficult as some days are, they are completely beautiful.  Hard but glorious.  Messy but redemptive.

What have i learned this year?

1.  I have learned that I have absolutely no idea what i'm doing as a parent most days.  What worked last month has already gone out the window this month.  We are truly a work in progress.

2.  My relationship with Micah is the single most important parenting tool i have.  We are a united front most days.  The kids find stability in that.  Life may be crazy and chaotic, but they know Dad will always back up what Mom says.  And vice versa.  The kids know that disrespect will NOT be tolerated in our home.  

3.  Despite artificially twinning my oldest and middle daughter, we have had no issues.  At all. I love to see the bond that my younger girls have.  They are truly best friends.

4.  Despite reading every adoption book out there, when an issue arises, i draw a blank.  

5.  This year has been very lonely.  Simply, people do not get the journey we are on.  It's hard to protect our family's privacy and share our challenges. 

6.  Brenda and Joseph's adoption journeys have been completely different.  
Different ages + different genders = different issues.  
Adopting a 7 year old was a piece of cake compared to a 12 year old.  A 7 year old little girl wants to sit and snuggle.  A 12 year old boy wants a fist bump.  

7.  I need to make an effort to praise my children more.  So often, i get caught up in what my children are not doing right.  I have learned genuine praise builds self esteem in all children.  Praise is Important to raising a confident child. I am a work in progress.  

8.  I love my children more than anything.  They bring me so much joy.  I love to watch them play and hear them laugh.  I love to watch their personalities unfold.  I love to see them grow and flourish. They truly are my greatest blessings from Jesus.

9.  My heart breaks for my children because i can't fix what breaks their hearts.  I can't fill the void in their life.  I will never replace their mother, nor do i want to.  I can simply pray for their hearts and for Jesus to fill in the gaps that i fail them.

10.  Prayer.  It is so important.  It's the glue that holds this family together.